Autism and Relationships: Connecting on Your Own Terms
I’m an autistic therapist, diagnosed at forty. Understanding my own neurodivergence has deepened my commitment to neuro-affirming practice, recognising and valuing each person’s unique ways of processing, communicating, and relating. This perspective enhances my work with all clients, supporting authentic connection, flexible engagement, and person-centred therapy that meets each individual where they are.
Navigating Relationships as an Autistic Person
Autistic people often experience relationships and communication differently from neurotypical people. How we connect, express ourselves, and process social interaction may not always align with societal expectations shaped around neurotypical norms. This does not mean autistic people are less social, capable, or connected. As Hammond [1] puts it, “We are not asocial, we just socialise differently.” For me, this captures something simple but often missed: autistic experience is a difference, especially in how we relate to others.
The Double Empathy Problem
Damian Milton’s [2] concept of the “double empathy problem” illustrates this difference well. Rather than locating social difficulty solely within autistic people, Milton explains that miscommunication between autistic and non-autistic people is mutual. Yet the burden of adaptation is often disproportionately placed on autistic people. This reframing can feel helpful for some because it shifts the focus from individual blame to a recognition of difference.
Learning about this concept was a light-bulb moment in my journey towards self-acceptance. While understanding that miscommunication is mutual is validating, it doesn’t instantly make interactions easier or less exhausting. For much of my life, I carried social struggles as a reflection of my own flaws, believing I was always the problem and had to try harder to be like everyone else. Understanding the double empathy problem didn’t change my self-view overnight but began to shift the narrative. It gave me permission to see communication as a two-way process, rather than something I was always “getting wrong.”
Exploring Possibilities in Relationships
This awareness sparked curiosity about what kinds of relationships feel authentic and supportive. I noticed patterns shaping my experience: becoming overstimulated in long conversations or larger groups, and one-to-one interactions sometimes feeling intense or stressful. Observing these differences formed a small but significant part of helping me understand myself better and develop self-compassion. I began to attend to cues of overstimulation rather than forcing myself to endure, which had often come at a heavy cost such as leaving me exhausted, vulnerable to meltdowns, or needing long periods of withdrawal to recover.
While understanding my own social patterns has been helpful, relational difficulties can be deeply complex. Intense loneliness, chronic isolation, masking, and pervasive misunderstanding are experienced by many autistic people and can have profound consequences for mental health. Loneliness is not only about the absence of others but about the absence of belonging, recognition, and acceptance, [3].
Learning about ‘masking’ was also pivotal and originally led me to seek a diagnosis. Masking involves consciously or unconsciously suppressing some natural traits and imitating neurotypical behaviours to fit in socially. My first reaction was, “I do that all the time; it’s just what everyone does,” but I realised autistic masking is more sustained and demanding. It often involves hiding natural behaviours like stimming and monitoring neurotypical cues continuously. This can come at a profound personal cost, contributing to exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and disconnection from one’s authentic self, [4].
For me, understanding masking helped make sense of why social life often felt so draining and precarious. It allowed me to reconnect with behaviours I had long suppressed but recognized as healthy and natural ways of self-regulating, helped me establish clearer boundaries, and finally begin to discover a greater sense of my authentic self.
Every autistic person’s journey is different, and the ways we process information and make sense of our experiences are unique to each individual. For many, autism is one part of a broader sense of self rather than a defining feature. Some people may find understanding their own autism central to how they navigate the world, while others may focus on other aspects of their life and identity. Research indicates that developing a positive autism identity can enhance psychological well-being and reduce social anxiety, highlighting the value of self-acceptance and community connection in fostering a fulfilling life, [5].
Shaping Therapy Around Autistic Experience
Therapy is a form of relationship, grounded in communication and mutual understanding. A neuro-affirming approach recognises that there is no single “right” way to engage. Instead, therapy is shaped around each person’s individual ways of processing and expressing themselves, developed collaboratively with the therapist. For some autistic people, this might include valuing structure, using clear and concrete questions, checking understanding, or allowing special interests to surface naturally as a way of communicating or inviting others into their world. For others, a more flexible, open-ended approach may feel supportive, [6].
Emotional experience can also differ from neurotypical patterns, both in how and when emotions are registered, processed, and communicated, [7]. Therapy can support this by meeting clients where they are: for example, exploring thoughts and patterns first, using visual or creative aids to help process emotions, or gradually tuning into bodily and emotional cues at a comfortable pace [6].
This approach respects each person’s existing emotional experience while creating space for reflection and self-understanding in ways that feel authentic and supportive of a positive autistic identity.
Therapy is not about changing who you are but about shaping a therapeutic relationship that works alongside you, supporting growth, connection, and self-acceptance on your own terms.
For more information about autism, or help and support please visit https://www.autism.org.uk/
Hammond, L. (2022). The autistic experience: A critical guide to autism. Pavilion.
Milton, D. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem.” Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008
National Autistic Society. (n.d.). Loneliness https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/loneliness
4. Ash, M. (2025, March 27). On Autistic Masking. Reframing Autism. https://reframingautism.org.au/on-autistic-masking-2/
Chown, N., Bevan, E., & Kenny, L. (2023). Promoting positive autistic identity: A systematic review. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 10074754. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.10074754
National Autistic Society. (n.d.). Good practice guide: For professionals delivering talking therapies for autistic adults and children. Retrieved August 27, 2025, from https://s2.chorus-mk.thirdlight.com/file/24/asDKIN9as.klK7easFDsalAzTC/NAS-Good-Practice-Guide-A4.pdf
Reframing Autism. (n.d.). Autism and emotions: How and why do autistic people process emotions differently? https://reframingautism.org.au/autism-and-emotions-how-and-why-do-autistic-people-process-emotions-differently/
Disclaimer:
While I hope you find my article insightful and helpful, it's important to be explicit about what it is and is not. The content on this site is here to share my personal thoughts and reflections as a therapist, but please know that this is not medical or mental health advice. The information here is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or for working with a qualified mental health professional who knows you and your unique needs.
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